ranting was never more enjoyableWe're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.
sparkdh1
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Name: ashlee
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Toledo
Birthday: 4/1/1987
Gender: Female


Interests: Music! darren hayes, reading, writing, poerty, freinds, tv, movies,debates, my hick lover billy ray (aka, sara). boyfreind.
Expertise: Darren Hayes, family guy, simpsons, south park...being a slightly cynical,smartass
Occupation: Student


Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM: sparkdh1


Member Since: 11/30/2005

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Sunday, October 08, 2006

Standing Still

I sat there and quietly gathered up my notebooks. Five seconds later I was walking down the hall, my shoes squeaking on the floor. The elevator seemed to stifling so I found the stairs. It was raining when I walked outside. My jacket was hanging over my arm. I didn’t care about the rain. I rather it splash all over me than not. Water trickled down and started to soak my hair, I finally stopped a few minutes later and put on the jacket. People around me had umbrellas and what looked like smiles on their faces. I knew what I looked like to them. I could see it on their faces. The black eye makeup from being painted up like a doll a day before stood out even more in the rain around my sad eyes. A somber frown was permanently stamped on my face and I realized I hadn’t smiled yet once that day. It stopped raining. I was so busy in my thoughts and misery I barely heard the old woman to my left ask me a question. “Do you have change for the bus?” I walked to the light and waited to cross the street. Here I was depressed over the worries in my life, how must this old woman feel when she’s probably homeless and had just been standing in the rain asking for change?

As I walked the few blocks to my apartment I started thinking about fear. Many things in our lives are driven by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of feeling stifled and alone. Fear of the unfamiliar. Fear of thinking about the bigger things in life and our own thoughts. Fear that too little time as passed. And the fear that we are taking the painful lessons and habits we’ve accumulated in our lives and repeating them over and over again. The opposite of fear must be bravery then. So I guess I ask this question: Are we brave enough to get over our fears?

Were also afraid were crazy. Or the people around us are the insane ones. You know the feeling at 2 am as you lie awake in bed and your thoughts are taking you to the farthest darkest places in the mind. Your afraid you‘ll never ever get back. Years pass and as is normal, we go through heartache after heartache as the disappointments and fears add up. Not just in our relationships but with the times you almost lost someone. Or the time I sat in the hospital bed. Or when someone you loved eyes faded away and they fell to the heavens. Or when we look in the mirror at ourselves and disgust is the only thing felt.

I am a 19 yr. old girl with the figure of a little girl and the hopes of something better. Like everyone else ive gone through those god awful times and barely pulled myself through. Ive relied on friends and doctors and my own faith. It’s like walking down that brown wet sidewalk. You go from square to square as you age and try to deal with what comes up; all the while hoping you think you spot someone you can stand still on a square with. I don’t demand constant attention anymore and I try to learn more as I go, about the person and about myself. But all those thoughts run thru my head. What if he’s like the last guy? What if he’s not even thinking about it and doesn’t miss me? What if ive overwhelmed him way too much? What if he thinks im crazy? What if its another girl? Its hard for the mind to grasp a concept when words that are coming out of a persons mouth are so different from what they spoke a week ago. And you tell yourself its not going to happen again, because this time its different, and maybe you actually know it is different and its not just denial. I don’t want to overwhelm or think to far ahead; I just wanted to stand still for awhile. Are we brave enough to get over our fears?


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Everybody loves a jersey girl

Im at the New Jersey shore! visiting family. we rented a house 2 seconds from the beach. its beautifull here as usual, always a light wind. but theres been no sun for tanning. Went to nyc on monday, my uncle richard who lives there escorted us around. That was seriously fun. Went to little Italy while we were there too. a question comes to mind tho...why arent all the ppl that live in nyc fat asses by now? Theres good food everywhere. he took us to a secret back room in little Italy where illegal designer purses are sold. Ha. ive got only 15 min left at this cyber cafe. Hoping for sunnier weather. frusteratingly missing mike. and all my freinds of course. school starts 2 days after i get back and all i have in my apartment is 3 pieces of furniture...*Picture it*...im laying in my bed half conscious last night, minding my own business, when my brother bursts in drunk and stumbling..he wants to borrow a pillow but also precedes to stand there and knock things off my dresser. not that u could notice cause that rooms so trashed anywas. sprays me with body splash for a few min, then i throw a spoon at him as he runs out...a minute later, he comes back of course. grabs the new skirt and sweat pants on my bed and tries to stuff them down the back of his pants...cause appartently thats not gross its funny. i grabbed them from him then threw stuff at him as he ran out of the room. he then sat there telling my other brother what he just did and how funny it was. but my other brother just tries to get him to shut the fuck up before my dad comes out and yells at us. which he does...lol. ahh the memories.


Saturday, July 29, 2006

lonnnnng survey from the past

Last December i think it was, i took this long ass survey. I'm bored now, waitin for my marwee to come over before i go to work, so i figure it ll be interesting to take this survey again and see how things have changed, since at the time it was last taken it was like, right before things really really started change..... (ok something really freaky, im starting this at 9 14 am, last time i started it at 9 13 am...weird

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)
time started: 9 :14
full name: ashlee marie tankoos
nickname(s): tanky, tankster, pashy, splashlee, pashes, shassafras, cleetus,  lil ashlee, lil jiger
birthday: April 1st, 1987
where were you born: florida
zodiac sign: Aries
height: 5'1 
weight: 115
hair color: brunette/reddish to some ppl?
eye color: brown
shoe size: 6-6 1/2
ring size: not sure
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.): tryin to get tan, random freckles
blood type: Not sure.
grade: going into 2nd yr.
GPA: mmm 3.0?
siblings: 2 brothers. one is 24 the other 26
tattoos: 1 on lower back
piercing's: just one in right ear. hopefully more someday
hobbies: writing, reading, listening to music, hangin with freinds, tv watching, poetry, scrapbooking!
favorite
color: black and blue
food: mac n cheese, chocolate chip cookies, pb&j.
candy: skittles
type of cheese: ?
pizza topping: pepperoni
salad dressing: Ranch
sandwich: ham, cheese & mayo
cereal: fruity pebbles
fruit: clemontimes (their oranges i think)
vegetable: mmm broccoli but only with cheese
berry: strawberry
cake: the kind w/ the whipped frosting on it
book: minnie mouse book from childhood, lil mermaid book from childhood
movie: lil mermaid, american beauty anything w/ will pherell or vince vaughn in it 
magazine: people
newspaper: eastern echo
tv show: Family Guy, simpsons, southpark, seinfeld, home movies
website: darrenhayes.com.
radio station: 88.7,101.5, 105.5, 93.9
font: lucida sans
cartoon character: ariel, brendon from home movies
artist (painter): van gough
actor: ryan phillippe. johhny depp, will pherrel, vince vaughn, ben stiller
actress: racheal mcadams
cd: all savage garden/darren hayes
song: everything/anything darren hayes/ savage garden. oasis wonderwall, lisa loeb stay, the verve bittersweet symphony, placebo every u and every me 
music group: savage garden/darren hayes
music type: Rock, punk, indie rock
day of the week: Friday
month: April 
season: Fall
holiday: christmas
shampoo: whatever
conditioner: whatever
number: 1
phrase: "d u know what i mean?" "im not gonna lie..."
store: hot topic
weather: rainy, or a little windy  
restaurant: olga's,
channel: comedy centrel, fox, abc,tbs,adult swim, history, noggin 
teacher: english teacher seniour yr.
weekend activity: sleep, hanging w/freinds
hangout: mine or a freinds house usually 
house color: a light brown/white kinda color?
sport to watch: Sports can die. 
sport to play: no thank u
animal: dogs, cheetah, squirrel
flower: Roses
guy's name: james, bear (dont ask), damien
girl's name: rose, spark, ariel, april
board game: monopoly
party game: "what the fuck" drinking game
story from childhood: me and my cousin kelli, courtesy of our moms used to dress us in matching clothes...had a skirt that had bells on it so u could hear us comin from a mile away
body part: legs, hands  
have you ever
been on a train: yes
been on a plane: Yes 
been in a car accident: Yes
caused a car accident: yes
run into a wall: ohh probably
burned a potato chip: No
almost burned the house down: not a pyro
smoked: yes
been drunk: Yes.
been high: smoked few times but didnt get a high from it
broken the law: Everyone has
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes): definetely
kissed someone of the opposite sex: yes
kissed someone of the same sex: my mom? sara on the cheek  
frenched an animal: excuse me...?
made out: yes
had cyber sex: yes
gotten engaged: i rather chain my self to a lamp post for all eternity than get engaged at age 19
had an online relationship: no
been rejected by a crush: who hasnt 
loved: Yes
made yourself cry to get out of trouble: yes, sometimes its all u can do. tho i only did it w/ one person, so wont do it again, its screwing w/ their emotions
cried in public: Yes.
cried over a movie: Yes. 
fallen asleep in a movie theater: No 
given someone a bath: my dog
been to a boarding school: no (i put yes last time? lol)
been home-schooled: be a creepy homeschool kid? i think not
lost a valuable item: Yes
bungee jumped: i wish
skied: No
met the president: No 
met a celebrity: yes
gotten a cavity: probably
shopped at abercrombie & fitch: used too
made a prank call: oh god yes 
skipped school: Yes 
faked sick to get out of school: Yes 
purchased something that you knew didn't fit: yes
climbed a tree: yes, but i cant do it now, fear of bugs touching me!
fallen from a tree: No
broken a bone: no 
sprained anything: possibly  
passed out:  no
made yourself pass out: No
been to Disney world: yes
been to a theme park (not Disney): Yes.
said I love you and meant it (not to a relative): Yes 
made a model volcano (working model): no
made a clover leaf with your tounge: how the hell do u do that? 
past
what did you do yesterday: worked, went to ann arbor w/  sara, saw dave for a few min, went grocery shopping
memory you miss the most: sherry, a few from the last month of college
memory you want to forget: a few, thevye faded now from over the yrs and last couple of months
something you regretted after it was done: i try not to have regrets, there are aspects from a situation i regret, but if i had to do it over again, i would. u live u learn. also how i acted the morning before sherry died.
the last
song you heard: savage garden, memories are designed to fade
cd you bought: rent soundtrack?
thing you said: "i work from 11-9 30 tonight mom"
time you cried: really cried? 2 mondays ago
movie seen in a theater: umm..rent i think
thing you ate: crumb cake thing
person who called: marwee 
nail polish shade worn: reddish/pink
time you showered: oh about 2 yrs ago....
person who complimented you: sara
at this moment
what are you listening to: music video of song "broken" by nick lachey  
what are you wearing: wouldnt u like to know... ha just kiddin, pimk victoria secret shorts and a pink phi sigma sigma shirt...(oh my god, never thought id be sayin that one....ew)
what are you thinking: why am i wearing so much pink? i like the lyric in this song "Will u take whats left?"
what are you scared of most: spiders, being raped, tripping in public, not finding a wonderful boyfreind when im ready and off my break
how many people are on your buddy list: counted about 140
future
occupation: writer, photographer, something in criminal justice
marriage site: hopefully somewhere near the sea on a dock as the suns going down
honeymoon: another country, depends what futore husband wants
place to live: everywhere. nyc, england, random states
kids: 2-3, maybe some foster children at some pt.
car: Doesnt really matter, just has to be good on snow/ice
what are you doing tomorrow: working from 11-9 30
do you think George bush will be reelected: he cant be! im so happy
will there be a wwIII: yes
will politics ever be truthful: No
will humanity snuff itself out: eventually
can the gov. be changed: yeah but it would be extremely difficult
friends
best friend: marwee, sara, kate, ali, john,
funniest: Marie
silliest: sara, jenny
loudest:  sarah smith
quietest: kate
craziest: sara ha 
calmest: er...not sure 
skinniest: marie
best secret keeper: sara and marie, dave
worst secret keeper: ali lol
the one you have but don't want: mmm..why would i hang out w/ someone if i didnt want too
smartest: kate
peppiest: stephanie 
peppiest: thats the same question
most hyper: sara
hottest: all of em
weirdest: john. dave  
biggest pervert: john, were all pervys tho some are just more obvious than others is all
most annoying: all ur friends are going to irritate u at one pt or the other, some more than others. the same goes for u with them  
shyest: none are that shy
most religious: eh...i dont know
do you believe in
heaven: Yes
hell: not exactly
angels: Yes
devil: not sure
god: no
buddha: Yes 
aliens: yes unfortunetely
ghosts: Yes 
spirit (soul):  definately 
soulmates: Yes but its rare you will actually find urs.  
reincarnation: yes
love at first sight: yes but its rare
karma: Yes
love in general: Yes 
luck: no
yourself: i should  
crush
who and when was your first crush: scott, was very little went on trip to mexico  
any now: no thank god, the break happily goes on
a celebrity crush: ryan phillippe, darren hayes always
who do you want to be with right now: marwee, she was supposed to visit before work lol
who's number do you want: darren hayes cell
who do you want to kiss: darren hayes , my dog! on the head..
what is something you don't understand about the opposite sex: omg where to start... how they can be such disgusting assholes, how they can be so dishonest w/out even battin and eyelash, their impulsiveness, there need to be manly in front of eachother even tho secretyl they hate to put on acts
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be:  darren hayes is taken right now, and i dont think dates happen will after ur dating someone, before that ur just hanging out, so i guess w/ my futore bf ?
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you: 8, im romantic but i hate some of that corny shit, sometimes guys say things that make u wanna puke u know?
first thing noticed about the opposite sex: hair
what do you look for personality-wise: witt, morale, excellent sense of humor, sarcasm, ambition, attentiveness, thoughtfulness, cute hair, good taste in tv, adventorousness, protectiveness, some form of manliness 
biggest turn on: english/aussie accents! protectiveness, random compliments
biggest turn off:  too feminine/metro, burping, too quiet, cockyness, close mindedness, not listenening
something they wear that turns you on: a nice black or white button up shirt...t shirts, grungy clothes, but ones that arent dirty, nice lookin jeans  
something they wear that turns you off: extremely baggy pants, extremely preppy clothes, stupid shoes,
the most romantic thing you want to happen to you: its already happened a few times w/ differnt ppl before. i love to be picked up a certain way, oh..a surprise romantic dinnner w/ certain songs playing  
the most romantic thing that has happened to you: poem written to me, and some of the sweetest letters ive ever read, picked up in someones arm in my dorm room,
what do you wear on a coffee date: what i always wear jeans and a t-shirt
is it right to flirt if you're taken: No, but ppl sometimes mistake joking and talking to the oppsite sex when ur taken as flirting, its annoying
is cyber cheating: Yes, but its pretty damn funny
are eyes the passageway to the soul: yes but.... there like closed windows to the soul if u know what i mean
who would you like to take to the prom: sorry proms ended 2  yrs ago in highschool
do you want to hug somebody right now: not really?
do you know what an aphrodisiac is: Yes
describe
mellow: laid back, carefree, nonchalant
melancholy: depressed, sad, pouty, sullen
the perfect date: watching a movie on a couch, or watching family guy
the perfect mate: they must have a wonderful sense of humor, witty, ability to mock things, find trips funny, affectionate, sweet, considerate, attempt to understand me, assertive, willing to challenge me, understanding, makes u feel beautifull everyday,open minded, respectfull, take my teasing, ambitious ok too sum it up, the kinda person who's willing to pick u up, throw u on a couch 1 second and cuddles u the next, and when u tell them about something u want to physically change about urself, they never suggest ways to do it, they tell u not do cause ur pretty they way u are, none of that "well if u wana lose weight eat healthy shit, pisses me off.....hey, i didnt say it was realistic or attainable, it asked for the perfect mate! lol
how m&m's are made: in a factory?
why manhole covers are round: square would look unatural?
one or the other
coke/pepsi: Coke 
sprite/7-up: sprite
boxers/briefs: Boxers
gold/silver: Silver
vanilla/chocolate: Chocolate
flowers/candy: flowers
book/magazine: Book
tv/radio: TV 
glass half empty/half full: Empty
democrat/republican: neither
colored pencils/markers: markers 
coffee/tea: coffe...but not actually coffee like cappochinos
sun/moon: Moon
day/night: Night
hot/cold: Cold 
dog/cat: dog
button/zipper: zipper 
cotton/feather pillow: Feather 
blue/purple: Blue
plumber/trashman: Trashman
jeans/shorts: Jeans 
long distance relationship/none: depends on how i felt bout the person
mechanical/regular pencil: Mechanical 
matt/ben: matt
that 70's show/simpsons: Simpsons 
kelso/Eric: kelso
donna/Jackie: jackie
Bart/Lisa: Lisa 
Romeo/Juliet: romeo
romantic comedy/thriller: thriller
nsync/bsb: always backstreet boys, even tho i dont listen to their musix anymore their still my boys...8th grade loves die hard
peanut butter/jelly: Peanut Butter 
waffles/pancakes: used to be pancakes, now waffles
letter/email: Letter 
Florida/California: California
pizza/burgers: Burgers
hat/visor: Hat! ...visors are reserved for dads on the beach..and moms
football/rugby: neither
ice skating/blading: Ice Skating 
movie at home/in theater: home...no theatre.... not sure
first thing you think of when you hear
yellow: Bees
red lipstick: lips 
socks: ugly ones
cowtipping: hicks on a farm
moulin rouge: wonderfull soundtrack!
Greenland: a nice green grassy hill, with wind blowing
Iceland: polar bears
harry potter:  wedding crashers, kate
red: nailpolish
blackberry: black bear 
rose: red, american beauty
rooster: barn, cereal
taxes: april 14th
bill clinton: monica lewinsky, cum on a blue dress lol
whipped cream: strawberries
George w. bush: can suck my nonexistant balls
lollipops: blowjobs...is that weird?
dreams: disturbing/confusing  
love: laughable
guys: assholes
south park: "u got some crap on u little dude... thats my face sir".
boy bands: backstreet boys
pengiuns: so cute
girls: annoying
thong: eww
death: permenant, a way out
spoons: cereals
junk mail: annoying
dairy: cow
panties: victoria secret
your father: nosy lil man
pizza: pizza
britney spears: so much beauty and possibilities wasted...
vitamin: flintstones chewables
are you
happy: yes
sad: sometimes
religious: no spritual
bitchy: sometimes  
crazy: somewhat   
messy: definetely 
mad: sometimes
slacker: yes  
nerd: definetely
bookworm: yes
jock: no
preppy: No
selfish: can be 
giving: try to be 
obsessive: yes
violent: only in my head
calm: for the most part
peaceful: yes
mellow: sometimes
eccentric: Yes
caring: Yes 
untrustworthy: No
loyal: Yes 
patriotic: surprisingly....yes
perverted: everyones perverted
colorful: not sure
artistic: try to be
miscellaneous
what color is your jacket: Black 
do you shave: Yeah 
where: wouoldnt u like to know!  
what color is your razor: green  
what size is your bed: single
what color crayon would you be: that blue i love... i dont know what its called tho 
what are the last four digits of you phone number: that private info
feelings on abortion: punishing someone by murder for what u did or what happened to u isnt justifiable.
how lond does it take you to shower: 10-20 min
what does your screenname mean: spark= darren hayes last solo album Dh=darren hayes lol 1=favorite number, "ashtrayt1" ashtray-name grandpa used to call me, t-1st letter of last name, 1-fav number
thoughts on blonde pop stars in general: no talent, and everyones lil sister is always trying to be famous too
who so you trust the most: banky!
is cussing a necessity in life: yes
how about coffee: yes
is the world screwed: of course
what something you cant live without: music, freinds 
what time did you fall asleep: 12?
know what 69 means: Yes
how about 143: er.. a threesome? lol...maybe just a random number put in this survey
can you live without a microwave: no
what do think about death: its the next journey of ur life. somewhere time, space and the world
where and when do you want to be married: mmm 25...where? wasnt that answered earlier 
do you want to drop out of school: sometimes, but wouldnt
why is the sky blue: because it feels like it!
what is a good trait about yourself: umm... can ask me anything bout family guy? laugh most things off. dont tell secrets, understanding, apathetic
what do you always think about: darren hayes, music, freinds, spirituality
what is wrong with your school: not as freindly as i would of liked i guess
what is right with your school: peaceful atmosphere on weekends, sorority, ann arbor
how do you react to change: not very well
do you talk to yourself: constantly...to the pt. where i wish i could turn myself off
what is your opinion on love: its beautiful, horrible, ugly, an enigma and painful all at the same time, and  half the time a lie
can you afford to lose weight: yes definetely
what color would you dye your hair: blue streaks, but i love the color it is now, jet black
best thing anyone's told you: "ive  never loved anyone so much that i couldnt even begin telling them how much. every time u asked me what i was thinking i was thinking about how much i love u, i always am, i think like i have about 3 thoughts at a time but still, i think about u all the time. when im quiet its because i feel so strongly im almost speechless, every night i go to bed missing u. every morning i wake up needing u, its a constant thing. i dont just think about u alot, i think about u all the time"   -u never forget when a person says that too u lol. "its not about strength ashlee" "ur tiny" 
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot: HA get off the drugs cracky
does being psycho appeal to you: i like dark and brooding but not pyschotic geez
if you wrote a book, what would it be about: life in highschool, poems, random short stories, what i learned in college
what would you change your name to: I wouldn't change my name
longest crush lasted how long: 2 yrs.
time finished: 10:04 pm (hey i want to work)


Sunday, July 02, 2006

"and this grand fascade, so soon will burn..."

Its the 2nd day of july?!whats up with that. no worries, ive still got 2 months left to get alll i wanted accomplished. Happy 4th! yeah im early but not going to be here on the 4th. After work tonight, im heading to ypsi. staying with my big sis jenny (sorority big sis) if anyone knows what that is...lol. then theres a party on monday so ill  be able to see some freinds havent seen in awhile. Dont know a bout tues. will be up there most likely. Have been working nonstop. to the point where last night i was just exhausted. my whole body ached. not just jimmy johns, but going to moms work. Looking over this summer so far, which i dont know that i like to do but looking over its been really good and bad and interesting and fun and def. learning process. im still on my break from relationships and dating. not ready yet. i lost a really good freinds freindship. thru no fault of my own guess my freindship wasnt important enough for him to keep but thats how it happens sometimes.hes intelligent, and if it was a choice over him being happy or still hanging out wit me, id choose his happiness. thats why i didnt fight it. i was sad over that one. but i recently lost another dudes freindship..i wasnt so sad over that, i found out how he can really be. meaning, apparently because u refuse to date the person, then theyd rather not even be freinds. eh whatever. theres been some strain lately with relationships this summer, apparently just becaue u go on a break it doesnt mean anyone else does eh? the girl freindships have been good. lol me and sara are still planning to go to amish country, and marwee and i will take a roadtrip, weve got a place in mind but dont know when. overall its a great summer. Have work in an hr or so, must get ready. sundays are the slowest shifts of the week.......


Monday, June 19, 2006

Would ya'll like a side of mac n cheese with that?"

Last Sat. i took a very fun/peaceful/interesting pointless road trip. Me and my new very cool freind dave decided to just get in the car and go....so thats what we did. We went 19063 miles. Left Sat afternoon and i returned Monday night at 12 am. Went from michigan to ohio to kentucky to west virgiania to virginia where our final destination was virginia beach n the Atlantic ocean!! got there aroind 11 at night. it was beautiful. alot of the scenery is beautifull actually. fyi...met alot of ppl that fit funny stereotypes i had. ha.Also got to get a picture with a senator of west virginia! Then headed home going thru virginia to washington D.C. to marlyand to pennsylvania to ohio then back to ypsi michigan. Parents werent too thrilled. whatever it was awesome. lots of stories but i will state one of my favorites...so on sun morning as were leaving Kentucky i spot a KFC. now, anyone that is obsessed with family guy like me recalls the episode where peter went to a KFC in kentucky and asked if the kernel was in...so of course being in kentucky for the 1st time, we had to do the same. We go thru the drive thru and after the lady says can i take ur order etc... Dave goes in an excellent southern accent.."hi, i was told the kernel would be in today?"....then we drive away laughing our asses off....so of course i had to do the same. so we drive back up with my window facing the order box and i go.."Hi, is the kernel in today?" (no answer from the lady).. "The kernel?" i said again then we sped away.....and everytime i think of it i smile and start to laugh again.....damn that was sweet.

I got a job finally, at Jimmy Johns!! we make excellent subs, i am a "sandwich artist" currently and everyone should come in to vissit, my hrs are set for wednesday-sunday. 10-1 and 11-5 on sun. So..come in. sseriously.



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